A Walk in Our Woods
It’s been a little over a week since Ken passed, and I’m not going to lie to anyone, it’s awful. I thought the hardest thing was Ken’s diagnosis and watching him suffer. Being alone and losing your soul mate, the one who understands, loves and knows you the most is simply gut wrenching. You feel empty, like you can’t breathe and there is no escape.
I’ve started to walk around our neighborhood block and I feel like a character in Dante’s inferno walking in a circle of suffering. I’m trying to add routine to my life to help alleviate some of the pain. On a walk one morning I spotted a cottontail bunny and looked at the expansive sky to feel my breath again and try to garner a glimpse of happiness.
I finally walked alone for the first time into the woods where Ken and I walked daily, Deepdyne Woods. It was hard to see the places we were before, the benches we took a rest on and shared so much together. While it was difficult it was a necessity to both feel Ken again and to continue on.
Yoga was a very important part of our lives, in fact we used to practice daily. Ken was doing handstands and the wheel a few days before his first seizure. Today, I ventured back into our studio and when the teacher saw me, we hugged and I cried. I asked to sit in the back corner in case I needed a speedy exit. I made it through the class okay and the most beautiful part was trying to reconnect with my breath. We did pranayama breathing or alternate nostril breath, which is wonderful for anyone especially going through a stressful time. This increases parasympathetic activity and lowers systolic blood pressure as well as respiratory rate. We so often forget to breathe and be mindful and compassionate. I felt my heart opening doing fish pose laying with a bolster supporting my back. I’m glad that I’ve returned to what we both loved and will try to be grounded and stay true to my practice. At the beginning of the class they ask you to set an intention which mine was always for Ken to heal and for the tumor to go away. Now my intention is for Ken to be with me on my return journey to yoga and to be with me in our practice. I think this will be a very healing aspect on the journey to recovery.
Ken’s party is coming together and will be a celebration to honor his life and love…