Alone & Lost
We all come into the world alone & we leave it alone too. Being alone can be very awkward, especially when you’ve been with someone for over 20 years and the past two years for 24 hours a day. Caregiving is like this and it is absolutely necessary. A lot of people can’t handle the stress and they divorce and/or leave their loved one because they cannot cope with what lies ahead. I felt that people judged me when I made the decision to leave my job to care for Ken 100% but I know now that what I did was the most meaningful gift that I could give and receive from Ken. I don’t regret a single moment of any of that time and I’m so eternally grateful that I had that time to spend with him. Others are not granted that gift so I know how special an opportunity it was for both of us.
I try so hard not to sound too sad, ungrateful, etc. but I’m also trying hard to be transparent and honest in my posts after Ken’s passing.
I arrived home on Sunday to an empty house, except for my two loving companions Mila & Pickles. I gleaned the mail to find a UPS letter which contained Ken’s official death certificate. It seemed to put more finality to the situation. I also receive lovely cards and letters that help me to cope somehow.
I feel very lost & confused about what comes next. I thought that the trip to Hawaii would give me some closure and it didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I was able to do something lovely with some of Ken’s ashes, but the pain hasn’t gone away but has intensified. I can’t explain it, but it is always there, gnawing at me beating me down about what I’m to do next or do at all.
I just miss my Ken so much, his touch, smell, voice, presence, laugh, smile and motorcycle purr. It’s absolutely so quiet here and I’m not inclined to go outside because I need to be alone, I’m not sure why. People keep telling me “to be kind to myself” and I’m still unsure of what that means. I know that life is hard and I am selfish for feeling the way that I do but I can’t help myself, I MISS KEN. He is never coming back and I don’t know what my life will be like without him. People say it takes time, but I’m also unsure what that means. Time will not return my husband to me, the love of my life and eternal soulmate that he was. I’m not interested in starting over or getting on with things. I guess I’m in a stalemate of sorts. Stuck in between different realms of possibilities. I feel lost and keep looking for Ken to guide me in my dreams.
I think that I felt the most sad on vacation when the monk seals swam away. Very happy sad but it reminded me of losing Ken. I was so strong that day, I don’t know where it came from, but now I feel that the stress is settling into my body and I’m trying to cope.
All that I can say and hope for with anyone reading this post is that you grab on to life, hug the people dearest to you and tell them how much you love them every opportunity you have, and to appreciate what you have now. Forgive and don’t hold on to hate or anger because it only affects you in this life now. Seep in every sunset, sunrise, day, night, watching the glorious moon and the opportunity you have to love and help someone else. If everyone followed this the world would certainly be a better place in which to live.